You Know That Old Urban Legend?

If you grew up in the country as I did, you’ve heard it. The one about some bridge or some location, usually in a valley and almost always near water, where something horrible supposedly happened to a mother and her baby, and at night if you are quiet you can hear a baby crying or a woman calling for her child? Yeah, that one. It’s a great excuse to take your girlfriend out to a dark secluded location, get her all scared and have her jump in your lap. When she feels all safe and secure, the panties come right off, right? Scary places always landed me the choice ass back in the day. Know what I mean bro?

Yeah well, I know what really happened, and I know the place where it occurred. You see, there’s this old bridge down in a valley that crosses a small river. It’s not far from here, If you want I can take you out there. Yeah, we can go tonight.

The legend usually says a mother was rushing her sick baby to the hospital and ran her car off the bridge. The story also goes that the mother got out of the car, but drowned after repeatedly trying to find her baby in the dark water. The next morning the police found the car and the two bodies after a farmer called the wreck in. Years later teenagers used to hang out in the fields on the north side of the bridge, and they told stories of hearing a woman screaming “Oh god MY BABY SOMEONE PLEASE HELP OH GOD MY BABY”. There are variations, but this is usually the gist of the tale. Well, the truth is, the valley was haunted a long time before anything like that ever happened, and it wasn’t haunted by some woman screaming for her lost baby. Not then at least.

You see, out in the country here, there’s things that never see the light of day. Things not meant for mortal eyes. They wander the countryside looking for food. They feed on humans you see. They wear the skin of their kills, look just like us. Once it’s on them you can’t tell them apart from us. What they look like under the skin, nobody alive now knows.

The woman in the story, she WAS rushing her baby to the hospital, and she did wreck, but she didn’t run off the bridge. She came close though, and she seemed to be in luck, as a truck came along just minutes after she ran off the road and smacked a tree. Her lights were still on, and the driver of the truck spotted her waving in the middle of the road. What happens next, well… it’s pretty horrible. You see the driver of the truck, well, he was one of those things, and he was wearing the previous owner’s skin. He pulls over, offers to help. The mother is on the verge of passin’ out, so he helps her get the baby out of the car. He found it impossible to resist the tender, sweet flesh of one so young. The smell of it’s innocence was too much, and its appetite overtook it. He ate the baby right there in front of the mother. Jaws split like some sort of horrible giant snake, bit it right in half, swallowed it in two bites. Right in front of that poor woman. That’s where the screams come from you see. Right before he ate her too. Of course, she didn’t die so quick, being a much bigger meal than a little baby.

The real horror of these things is, once they eat you, your soul or whatever, it doesn’t move on like it does after a normal death. It lingers, you see. How do I know all of this? Well, I grew up around here. My grandfather told me all about it. He was one of the cops that found the car, you see. He ran across one of those things here in town once. Said it looked like a person, just didn’t seem to move right. His grandmother was an old Indian wise woman, she told him stories of the skinwalkers when he was a child. Said he’d know when he met one.

So you want to see the place? It’s just a few miles from here. Yeah, hop in the truck, I’ll take you out there. She’s a beaut ain’t she? Belonged to my grandpa too, she’s a 55 Chevy. Restored it myself. Finish your drink, we’ll head out there.

Dob's Brief Time As A Student in Hogwarts

DAY 1

[RON, HERMIONE, HARRY and Hogwarts' newest student, DOB, are seated at that big cafeteria or whatever, discussing this and that. DOB tells a story, smirking like an asshole.]

DOB
And then I says, “More like SHITerin!” Get it?

RON
Yes.

DOB
Because I took a shit in the sorting hat.

RON
I said yes.

DOB
And I said kiss dick, guy, I was talking to Hermione.

HERMIONE
It was a lovely joke.

DOB
Bam. Two points, Ron, count it.
[RON slumps in his chair.]

HARRY
I have a bad feeling about this year, guys. Something deep in the pit of my stomach.

HERMIONE
I know what you mean.

DOB
Yeah, totally. Say, by the way, Hermione, when you turnin’ 15, girl? That happening soon, or what?

RON
Fifteen is still illegal in this state. In all states, everywhere.

DOB
This fuckin- What is your problem, guy? Was someone talking to you? Christ, go eat that chocolate that turns people into rats or whatever.

HARRY
[Quietly]
That’s not this movie.

RON
You’re thinking of Witches.

DOB
Actually I’m thinking of eat shit, Beasley, what is your deal?

DAY 4

[HARRY is in his dorm room getting ready for the OBLIGATORY GAME OF POINTLESS QUIDDITCH. DOB is quietly planting HARD WIZARD DRUGS in RON'S DRESSER.]

HARRY
Alright, DOB, I’m about to head out to the big game. Are you sure you don’t want to play?

DOB
Nah. I’ma try to call Hermione so we can set up our own game of Quidditch, if you catch my boner.

HARRY
Right. See you later, then.

DOB
Yeah, man, go- Jesus. Is that how you’re going to dress?

HARRY
I… this is traditional wizard garb, for Quidditch, I thought-

DOB
Yeesh. Boo. It looks like a shitty community theater is staging a musical version of my nightmares and you’re auditioning for the female lead.

HARRY
I’m not sure I-

DOB
You look like the worst kind of lesbian.

HARRY
Got it.

DAY 9

[DUMBLEDORE, an old fellow with a long beard who constantly dresses in robes, has gathered a few of the students in his PRIVATE QUARTERS to tell them some SECRETS, which is probably a good idea in a movie/book that is aimed at LITTLE CHILDREN.]

HERMIONE
Dumbledore, it’s not fair.

DOB
Oh, hell yeah, you tell him, ‘Mione.

HARRY
It really is unfortunate, Dumbledore, is there nothing we can do?

HERMIONE
This is ruining all of my plans!

DUMBLEDORE
I’m sorry, but there’s not much I can do. We’re short staffed, so I’m afraid I can’t offer Potions as a course this year.

DOB
Is that what we’re all pissed about? This is the stupidest wizard camp ever.

HERMIONE
I’m certain that class would earn me high enough marks to make it to the top of the school.

DUMBLEDORE
It’s out of my hands! I’m afraid with our high level of mysterious murders, fewer and fewer teachers want to work here.

DOB
Yeah, that’ll do it.

HARRY
Could Snape double up on a class?

RON
Or couldn’t we cut one of the other courses?

HERMIONE
It’s because Professor Slughorn left. He could have taught this class. He was supposed to, wasn’t he?

DOB
Who’s Slughorn?

HARRY
We need Slughorn. We need to get him back.

DOB
Hey, guys, who’s Slughorn?

RON
Good luck with that. He’s gone off to live with the Muggles, he’s in hiding.

HARRY
But we can find him… With Dumbledore’s help!

DOB
Alright fuck you guys.

DUMBLEDORE
It can be done. I can track him down… Do you think you children could convince him to come back?

HARRY
I’m positive!

DOB
What an awesome plot for a movie about wizards.

DAY 14

[Our heroes are stuck on an island, surrounded by a bunch of little PALE GOBLINS OR SOMETHING.]

RON
This looks dangerous! What’ll we do, Harry?

HARRY
Our magic is blocked here, for some reason, we can’t disapparate, there’s some kind of enchantment. We’re running out of options.

DOB
[Slowly waking from an ALCOHOL-INDUCED COMA]
Oh, man, that was a- Oh, for fuck’s sake are you kidding me? What have you morons gotten us into?

HARRY
Thank goodness you’re awake, we’ve got to-

DOB
Yeah, listen, shut up for like 10 seconds, here, it’s a little early for your shit, know what I mean?

HARRY
I apologize.

RON
It’s seven o’clock at night…

DOB
More like… stupid o‘cock at… at all over your face, and there’s… Oh go fuck yourself, Ron, no one’s talking to you.

[HARRY nods in agreement.]

DOB
Alright, I’ll get us out of this. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, let’s think about this. Fuck. We can’t use magic, Hermione’s probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore’s wand for a reason I can’t immediately remember. We’ve got an army of Gollum’s happening right now, I say our only option is feeding them Ron’s gay face and converting the rest of Ron into a boat that we can paddle to shore. Or maybe we’ll just turn him into, like, a puppet or something, whichever’s funnier. That guy’s the worst.

HARRY
We can’t! And those aren’t Gollums, you’re confusing franchises again.

DOB
What? Bullshit those aren’t Gollums. (Addressing the Gollums): Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?

HARRY
I’m telling you, that’s not-

SMEAGOL
I would like the precious…

DOB
Boom! Three pointer. Ron, give those little bastards the precious.

RON
What would that even-

[DOB swiftly pushes RON into the little GOLLUMS, who immediately start clawing at his stupid flesh.]

DOB
Swish! I’m the best.

DAY 17

[HARRY, RON, DOB and some of the other RANDOM INTERCHANGEABLE STUDENTS are discussing women problems.]

RON
It’s so difficult. I know Hermione fancies me, but I just started dating Lavendar, and it would be unfair of her if I abandoned our relationship. But HERMIONE and I are such good friends.

DOB
Uh huh.

HARRY
And I’m in love with Ron’s sister, but I don’t know how she feels about me, and I don’t know what that would do to our friendship.

SOME OTHER KID
My word, these are tricky situations!

DOB
Tell me about it. I heard Ron cries when he poops.

RON
That’s just a rumor, where did you hear it?

DOB
I forget, I think some guy screamed it while he was boning Hermione in my car last night. We’re getting off topic here, the point is Harry’s sad about some bullshit or whatever.

DUMBLEDORE
I know what we need, we need something to take our minds off our girl troubles, and Ron’s unfortunate toilet situation.

RON
It’s not-

DOB
Like a baby, Dr. Wizard, a giant, pooping baby, it’s awful.

DAY 20

[RON, HARRY and DOB are visiting their CREEPY, ELDERLY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN who hands them UNMARKED GLASSES FULL OF SOME LIQUID, and the children all take the drinks, because Hogwarts teaches BULLSHIT DRAGON MAGIC and INVISIBLE BROOM-HUMPING instead of D.A.R.E and COMMON SENSE. RON takes a sip and almost immediately starts stumbling and clutching his throat. He falls to the floor.]

HARRY
Ron! What’s wrong?

RON
[Coughing.]
This… wine is… poison.

HARRY
No!

DOB
Poison?

RON
Yes!

DOB
Deadly?

RON
[A crushed gasp.]
Yes.

DOB
Moving it slow?

RON
[The life draining.]
Yeah… I guess.

DOB
Lookin’ for a mellow fellow like DeVoe?

RON
[Turning blue.]
…what?

HARRY
Not now, DOB. Don’t worry, we’ll save you, Ron. We’ve got to do something, quick!

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
I’ll call the authorities.

DOB
Let’s cure it ’cause we’re runnin’ outta time!

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Yeah, we got it, DOB. It’ll be alright, Ron, we’ll get through this.

HARRY
If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it!

DOB
Oh, I know!

HARRY
How do you know?

DOB
Me and the crew used to do her! Bam!

HARRY
Oh, Goddammit, shut up, we need to save Ron.

DOB
Eh.

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Who could have done this?

HARRY
The one whose name we dare not speak, I’m sure he was behind it.

DOB
I may have an idea.

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Or it could’ve been Draco! He’s always had it out for Ron.

HARRY
Oh, fucking Draco, that’s right, it was probably him, too.

DOB
Was it a big butt, Ron? A smile? Did you trust them? Because, really-

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
He hasn’t much time left!

HARRY
Hang in there, buddy.

DOB
-you should never trust a big butt and a-

HARRY AND SLUGHORN
SHUT THE FUCK UP!

DOB
P-P-P-P-Poison!

280 songs on my PSP

Out of extreme boredom, thoughts, and request, I listed these out. I'm proud to have a large taste in music...

XD

===================================

1. Decode- Paramore

2. Sultans of Swing- Dire Straits

3. Fire Woman- The Cult

4. Rooftops- Lostprophets

5. Money For Nothing Dire Straits

6. 2 Hearts- Kylie Minogue

7. 4 in the Morning- Gwen Stefani

8. A Dustland Fairytale- The Killers

9. A Hard Day's Night- The Beatles

10. A Thousand Miles- Vanessa Carlton

11. Ace Of Spades- Motorhead

12. Aesthetics of Hate- Machine Head

13. All These Things That I've Done- The Killers

14. Always on My Mind- Elvis Presly

15. Andy You're A Star- The Killers

16. Any Way You Want It- Journey

17. Apologise- Timbaland feat. One Republic

18. Assassin- Myse

19. Bad Reputation- Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

20. Band On The Run- Paul McCartney & Wings

21. Basketcase- Green Day

22. Battery- Metallica

23. Beat It- Michael Jackson

24. Beatiful Disaster- 311

25. Beautiful Maria- Antonio Banderas

26. Beatiful Morning- Machine Head

27. Believe Me Natalie- The Killers

28. Big Girls Don't Cry- Fergie

29. Bittersweet Symphony- The Verve

30. Bleeding Love- Leona Lewis

31. Blue Moon- Sha Na Na

32. Born To Run- Bruce Springsteen

33. Boulevard of Broken Dreams- Green Day

34. Bounce- The Cab

35. Boys, Boys, Boys- Lady Gaga

36. Breathe- Michelle Branch

37. Buddha's Delight- Haley Bennett

38. Burn You Down- Opiate For The Masses

39. Butterflies and Hurricanes- Muse

40. California Dreaming- Mamas & Papas

41. Call Me When You're Sober- Evenescence

42. Can't Buy Me Love- The Beatles

43. Change Your Mind- The Killers

44. Come Out And Play- The Offspring

45. Communication Breakdown- Led Zepplin

46. Cool For Cats- Squeeze

47. Cool- Gwen Stefani

48. Crawling- Linkin Park

49. Creeping Up The Backstairs- The Fratellis

50. CrushCrusCrush- Paramore

51. Dammit- Blink 182

52. Dance Floor Anthem- Good Charlotte

53. Dance With Me Tonight- Hugh Grant

54. Dancing In The Dark- Bruce Springsteen

55. Dancing Queen- ABBA

56. Dare- Gorillaz

57. Diamonds Are Forever- Shirley Bassey

58. Die Another Day- Madonna

59. Dirty Little Secret- All-American Rejects

60. Do It Again- Steely Dan

61. Do You Want To- Franz Ferdinand

62. Don't Stop Believing- Journey

63. Don't Stop Movin'- S Club 7

64. Down- Blink 182

65. Eleanor Rigby- The Beatles

66. Empty- The Click Five

67. Enter Sandman- Metallica

68. Escape- Enrique Iglesias

69. Every Breath You Take- The Police

70. Everybody's Changing- Keane

71. Everything Will Be Alright

72. Exodus- Maksim

73. Eye Of The Tiger- Survivor

74. Fall For You- Secondhand Serenade

75. Feel Good Inc.- Gorillaz

76. Tonight Is What It Means To Be Young- Fire Inc.

77. Float On- Modest Mouse

78. Floorfiller- A*Teens

79. For Whom The Bell Tolls- Metallica

80. Fuel- Metallica

81. Get Back- The Beatles

82. Girl's Not Grey- AFI

83. Give It All- Rise Against

84. Gives You Hell- All-American Rejects

85. Go Your Own Way- Fleetwood Mac

86. Going The Distance- Valentine

87. Gone Away- The Offspring

88. Gonne Fly Now- DeEtta Little

89. Hammerhead- The Offspring

90. Happy Ending- Mika

91. Help!- The Beatles

92. Helter Skelter- The Beatles

93. Hero- Enrique Iglesias

94. Hey Jude- The Beatles

95. Hey There Delilah- Plain White T's

96. Holding Out For A Hero- Bonnie Tyler

97. Holiday- Green Day

98. Hollaback Girl- Gwen Stefani

99. Home Sweet Home- Motley Crue

100. Hot 'N Cold- Katy Perry

101. Hotel California- Eagles

102. How To Save A Life- The Fray

103. How You Love Me Now- Hey Monday

104. Hung Up- Madonna

105. Hungry Like The Wolf- Duran Duran

106. Hysteria- Muse

107. I Am The Walrus- The Beatles

108. I Can't Smile Without You- Barry Manilow

109. I Just Wanna Live- Good Charlotte

110. I Love You Baby- ..

111. I Miss You- Blink 182

112. I Want To Hold Your Hand- The Beatles

113. I Write The Songs- The Beatles

114. I'd Do Anything For Love- Meat Loaf

115. I'm Alive- Celine Deon

116. Image of the Invisible- Thrice

117. Imagine- John Lennon

118. In The End- Linkin Park

119. In Your Eyes- Kylie Minogue

120. Invincible- Muse

121. Island In The Sun- Weezer

122. It's My Life- Bon Jovi

123. Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine- The Killers

124. Just Dance- Lady Gaga

125. Kickstart My Heart- Motley Crue

126. Kiss Kiss- Holly Valance

127. Kiss Me- Sixpence None The Richer

128. Knights of Cydonia- Muse

129. Kusha las Payas- Las Ketchup

130. Lady In Red- Chris De Burgh

131. Lady Madonna- The Beatles

132. Last Resort- Papa Roach

133. Lay All Your Love On Me- ABBA

134. Love At First Sight- Kylie Minogue

135. Mama- Spice Girls

136. Man In The Box- Alice In Chains

137. Mandy- Barry Manilow

138. Master Exploder- Tenacious D

139. Master of Puppets- Metallica

140. Meaningless Kiss- Hugh Grant

141. Midnight Show- The Killers

142. Miss Murder- AFI

143. Monsoon- Tokio Hotel

144. Move Along- All-American Rejects

145. Mr. Brightside- The Killers

146. Mr. Crowley- Ozzy Osbourne

147. My Baby Takes The Morning Train- Sheena Easton

148. My Heart Will Go On- Celine Dion

149. My Life Would Suck Without You- Kelly Clarkson

150. My Own Worst Enemy- Lit

151. Naughty Girl- Holly Valance

152. Never Gonna Give You Up- Rick Astley

153. New Born- Muse

154. No Boundaries- Adam Lambert

155. No Leaf Clover- Metallica

156. No Your Girls- Franz Ferdinand

157. Numb- Linkin Park

158. Objection- Shakira

159. Obstacle 1- Interpol

160. On Top- The Killers

161. One of These Nights- Eagles

162. Our Truth- Lacuna Coil

163. Over The Rainbow- Israel Kamakawiwo

164. Painkiller- Judas Priest

165. Panic Attack- Dream Theater

166. Paparazzi- Lady Gaga

167. Parabola- Tool

168. PDA- Interpol

169. Peace Sells- Megadeth

170. Pearl Harbor Theme- Hans Zimmer

171. Points of Authority- Linkin Park

172. Pokerface- Lady Gaga

173. Pop! Goes My Heart- Hugh Grant

174. Pork and Beans- Weezer

175. Pull Me Under- Dream Theater

176. Push It To The Limit- Paul Engemann

177. Re-Education Through Labor- Rise Against

178. Reach- S Club 7

179. Rebel Yell- Billy Idol

180. Rob The Prez-O-Dent- That Handsome Devil

181. Rock You Like A Hurricane- Scorpions

182. Rocky Mountain High- John Denver

183. Round and Round- Ratt

184. S Club Party- S Club 7

185. S.O.S.- ABBA

186. Saints of Los Angeles- Motley Crue

187. Save Me- Remy Zero

188. Savior- Rise Against

189. School of Rock- School of Rock

190. Secret Garden- Bruce Springsteen

191. See You Again- Miley Cyrus

192. Seek & Destroy- Metallica

193. Seven Nation Army- The White Stripes

194. She Loves You- The Beatles

195. She Will Be Loved- Maroon 5

196. She's a Genius- Jet

197. Since I Don't Have You- Guns N' Roses

198. Slither- Velvet Revolver

199. Smile Like You Mean It- The Killers

200. Smooth Operator- Sade

201. So Close- Jon McLaughlin

202. So What'cha Want- Beastie Boys

203. So What- Pink

204. Somebody Told Me- The Killers

205. Someday- The Strokes

206. Sorry- Madonna

207. Spaceman- The Killers

208. Spiderwebs- No Doubt

209. Stand By Me- Ben E. King

210. Starlight- Muse

211. Staying Alive- Bee Gees

212. Stella Was A Diver And She Was Always Down- Interpol

213. Stranger- Hilary Duff

214. Strutter- KISS

215. Stuck- Stacie Orrico

216. Suspicious Minds- Elvis Presley

217. Sway- Michael Buble

218. Sweet Child O' Mine- Guns N' Roses

219. Sweet Victory- David Eisley & Bob Kulick

220. Chop Suey- System of a Down

221. Take Me Home Country Roads- John Denver

222. Take Me Out- Franz Ferdinand

223. Teenagers- My Chemical Romance

224. Temperature- Sean Paul

225. That's What You Get- Paramore

226. The Ballad Of Michael Valentine- The Killers

227. The Bitter End- Placebo

228. The Final Countdown- Europe

229. The Kids Aren't Alright- The Offsrping

230. The Kill- 30 Seconds To Mars

231. The Lion Sleeps Tonight- The Tokens

232. The Loco-Motion- Kylie Minogue

233. The Potential Break Up Song- Aly & AJ

234. The Reincarnation of Benjamin Breeg- Iron Maiden

235. The Rock Show- Blink 182

236. The Scientist- Coldplay

237. There She Goes- Sixpence None The Richer

238. There's Gotta Be More To Life- Stacie Orrico

239. This Love- Maroon 5

240. This Magic Moment- The Drifters

241. Those Magic Changes- Sha Na Na

242. Time Is Running Out- Muse

243. Torn- Natalie Imbruglia

244. Total Eclipse of the Heart- Bonnie Tyler

245. Toxicity- System of a Down

246. Track 7- Sigur Ros

247. Training Montage- Rocky IV Soundtrack

248. Tripping- Robbie Williams

249. Truly Madly Deeply- Savage Garden

250. Turn Turn Turn- The Byrds

251. Twist and Shout- The Beatles

252. Unchained Melody- Rightous Brothers

253. Under The Gun- The Killers

254. Untouched- The Veronicas

255. Uptown Girl- Billy Joel

256. VinterNoll2- Kent

257. Violent Pornography- System of a Down

258. Viva La Vida- Coldplay

259. Wake Up- Hilary Duff

260. Walk On- U2

261. Way Back Into Love- Hugh Grant & Haley Bennett

262. What A Wonderful World- Louis Armstrong

263. When You Say Nothing At All- Ronan Keating

264. When You Were Young- The Killers

265. Whenever, Wherever- Shakira

266. Wherever You Will Go- The Calling

267. White Rabbit- Jefferson Airplane

268. White Wedding- Billy Idol

269. Who Let You Go- The Killers

270. Why Don't You Find Out- The Killers

271. Wild Slide- Motley Crue

272. Wind of Change- Scorpions

273. Won't Go Home Without You- Maroon 5

274. Yellow Submarine- The Beatles

275. You and Me- Lifehouse

276. You Belong With Me- Taylor Swift

277. You Only Live Once- The Strokes

278. You'll Be In My Heart- Phil Collins

279. You're All I Need- Motley Crue

280. Your Call- Secondhand Serenade

END