If you grew up in the country as I did, you’ve heard it. The one about some bridge or some location, usually in a valley and almost always near water, where something horrible supposedly happened to a mother and her baby, and at night if you are quiet you can hear a baby crying or a woman calling for her child? Yeah, that one. It’s a great excuse to take your girlfriend out to a dark secluded location, get her all scared and have her jump in your lap. When she feels all safe and secure, the panties come right off, right? Scary places always landed me the choice ass back in the day. Know what I mean bro? Yeah well, I know what really happened, and I know the place where it occurred. You see, there’s this old bridge down in a valley that crosses a small river. It’s not far from here, If you want I can take you out there. Yeah, we can go tonight. The legend usually says a mother was rushing her sick baby to the hospital and ran her car off the bridge. The story also goes that the mother got out of the car, but drowned after repeatedly trying to find her baby in the dark water. The next morning the police found the car and the two bodies after a farmer called the wreck in. Years later teenagers used to hang out in the fields on the north side of the bridge, and they told stories of hearing a woman screaming “Oh god MY BABY SOMEONE PLEASE HELP OH GOD MY BABY”. There are variations, but this is usually the gist of the tale. Well, the truth is, the valley was haunted a long time before anything like that ever happened, and it wasn’t haunted by some woman screaming for her lost baby. Not then at least. You see, out in the country here, there’s things that never see the light of day. Things not meant for mortal eyes. They wander the countryside looking for food. They feed on humans you see. They wear the skin of their kills, look just like us. Once it’s on them you can’t tell them apart from us. What they look like under the skin, nobody alive now knows. The woman in the story, she WAS rushing her baby to the hospital, and she did wreck, but she didn’t run off the bridge. She came close though, and she seemed to be in luck, as a truck came along just minutes after she ran off the road and smacked a tree. Her lights were still on, and the driver of the truck spotted her waving in the middle of the road. What happens next, well… it’s pretty horrible. You see the driver of the truck, well, he was one of those things, and he was wearing the previous owner’s skin. He pulls over, offers to help. The mother is on the verge of passin’ out, so he helps her get the baby out of the car. He found it impossible to resist the tender, sweet flesh of one so young. The smell of it’s innocence was too much, and its appetite overtook it. He ate the baby right there in front of the mother. Jaws split like some sort of horrible giant snake, bit it right in half, swallowed it in two bites. Right in front of that poor woman. That’s where the screams come from you see. Right before he ate her too. Of course, she didn’t die so quick, being a much bigger meal than a little baby. The real horror of these things is, once they eat you, your soul or whatever, it doesn’t move on like it does after a normal death. It lingers, you see. How do I know all of this? Well, I grew up around here. My grandfather told me all about it. He was one of the cops that found the car, you see. He ran across one of those things here in town once. Said it looked like a person, just didn’t seem to move right. His grandmother was an old Indian wise woman, she told him stories of the skinwalkers when he was a child. Said he’d know when he met one. So you want to see the place? It’s just a few miles from here. Yeah, hop in the truck, I’ll take you out there. She’s a beaut ain’t she? Belonged to my grandpa too, she’s a 55 Chevy. Restored it myself. Finish your drink, we’ll head out there.
Monday, August 31, 2009
You Know That Old Urban Legend?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Dob's Brief Time As A Student in Hogwarts
DAY 1 [RON, HERMIONE, HARRY and Hogwarts' newest student, DOB, are seated at that big cafeteria or whatever, discussing this and that. DOB tells a story, smirking like an asshole.] DOB RON DOB RON DOB HERMIONE DOB HARRY HERMIONE DOB RON DOB HARRY RON DOB DAY 4 [HARRY is in his dorm room getting ready for the OBLIGATORY GAME OF POINTLESS QUIDDITCH. DOB is quietly planting HARD WIZARD DRUGS in RON'S DRESSER.] HARRY DOB HARRY DOB HARRY DOB HARRY DOB HARRY DAY 9 [DUMBLEDORE, an old fellow with a long beard who constantly dresses in robes, has gathered a few of the students in his PRIVATE QUARTERS to tell them some SECRETS, which is probably a good idea in a movie/book that is aimed at LITTLE CHILDREN.] HERMIONE DOB HARRY HERMIONE DUMBLEDORE DOB HERMIONE DUMBLEDORE DOB HARRY RON HERMIONE DOB HARRY DOB RON HARRY DOB DUMBLEDORE HARRY DOB DAY 14 [Our heroes are stuck on an island, surrounded by a bunch of little PALE GOBLINS OR SOMETHING.] RON HARRY DOB HARRY DOB HARRY RON DOB [HARRY nods in agreement.] DOB HARRY DOB HARRY SMEAGOL DOB RON [DOB swiftly pushes RON into the little GOLLUMS, who immediately start clawing at his stupid flesh.] DOB DAY 17 [HARRY, RON, DOB and some of the other RANDOM INTERCHANGEABLE STUDENTS are discussing women problems.] RON DOB HARRY SOME OTHER KID DOB RON DOB DUMBLEDORE RON DOB DAY 20 [RON, HARRY and DOB are visiting their CREEPY, ELDERLY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN who hands them UNMARKED GLASSES FULL OF SOME LIQUID, and the children all take the drinks, because Hogwarts teaches BULLSHIT DRAGON MAGIC and INVISIBLE BROOM-HUMPING instead of D.A.R.E and COMMON SENSE. RON takes a sip and almost immediately starts stumbling and clutching his throat. He falls to the floor.] HARRY RON HARRY DOB RON DOB RON DOB RON DOB RON HARRY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN DOB PROFESSOR SLUGHORN HARRY DOB HARRY DOB HARRY DOB PROFESSOR SLUGHORN HARRY DOB PROFESSOR SLUGHORN HARRY DOB PROFESSOR SLUGHORN HARRY DOB HARRY AND SLUGHORN DOB
And then I says, “More like SHITerin!” Get it?
Yes.
Because I took a shit in the sorting hat.
I said yes.
And I said kiss dick, guy, I was talking to Hermione.
It was a lovely joke.
Bam. Two points, Ron, count it.
[RON slumps in his chair.]
I have a bad feeling about this year, guys. Something deep in the pit of my stomach.
I know what you mean.
Yeah, totally. Say, by the way, Hermione, when you turnin’ 15, girl? That happening soon, or what?
Fifteen is still illegal in this state. In all states, everywhere.
This fuckin- What is your problem, guy? Was someone talking to you? Christ, go eat that chocolate that turns people into rats or whatever.
[Quietly]
That’s not this movie.
You’re thinking of Witches.
Actually I’m thinking of eat shit, Beasley, what is your deal?
Alright, DOB, I’m about to head out to the big game. Are you sure you don’t want to play?
Nah. I’ma try to call Hermione so we can set up our own game of Quidditch, if you catch my boner.
Right. See you later, then.
Yeah, man, go- Jesus. Is that how you’re going to dress?
I… this is traditional wizard garb, for Quidditch, I thought-
Yeesh. Boo. It looks like a shitty community theater is staging a musical version of my nightmares and you’re auditioning for the female lead.
I’m not sure I-
You look like the worst kind of lesbian.
Got it.
Dumbledore, it’s not fair.
Oh, hell yeah, you tell him, ‘Mione.
It really is unfortunate, Dumbledore, is there nothing we can do?
This is ruining all of my plans!
I’m sorry, but there’s not much I can do. We’re short staffed, so I’m afraid I can’t offer Potions as a course this year.
Is that what we’re all pissed about? This is the stupidest wizard camp ever.
I’m certain that class would earn me high enough marks to make it to the top of the school.
It’s out of my hands! I’m afraid with our high level of mysterious murders, fewer and fewer teachers want to work here.
Yeah, that’ll do it.
Could Snape double up on a class?
Or couldn’t we cut one of the other courses?
It’s because Professor Slughorn left. He could have taught this class. He was supposed to, wasn’t he?
Who’s Slughorn?
We need Slughorn. We need to get him back.
Hey, guys, who’s Slughorn?
Good luck with that. He’s gone off to live with the Muggles, he’s in hiding.
But we can find him… With Dumbledore’s help!
Alright fuck you guys.
It can be done. I can track him down… Do you think you children could convince him to come back?
I’m positive!
What an awesome plot for a movie about wizards.
This looks dangerous! What’ll we do, Harry?
Our magic is blocked here, for some reason, we can’t disapparate, there’s some kind of enchantment. We’re running out of options.
[Slowly waking from an ALCOHOL-INDUCED COMA]
Oh, man, that was a- Oh, for fuck’s sake are you kidding me? What have you morons gotten us into?
Thank goodness you’re awake, we’ve got to-
Yeah, listen, shut up for like 10 seconds, here, it’s a little early for your shit, know what I mean?
I apologize.
It’s seven o’clock at night…
More like… stupid o‘cock at… at all over your face, and there’s… Oh go fuck yourself, Ron, no one’s talking to you.
Alright, I’ll get us out of this. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, let’s think about this. Fuck. We can’t use magic, Hermione’s probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore’s wand for a reason I can’t immediately remember. We’ve got an army of Gollum’s happening right now, I say our only option is feeding them Ron’s gay face and converting the rest of Ron into a boat that we can paddle to shore. Or maybe we’ll just turn him into, like, a puppet or something, whichever’s funnier. That guy’s the worst.
We can’t! And those aren’t Gollums, you’re confusing franchises again.
What? Bullshit those aren’t Gollums. (Addressing the Gollums): Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?
I’m telling you, that’s not-
I would like the precious…
Boom! Three pointer. Ron, give those little bastards the precious.
What would that even-
Swish! I’m the best.
It’s so difficult. I know Hermione fancies me, but I just started dating Lavendar, and it would be unfair of her if I abandoned our relationship. But HERMIONE and I are such good friends.
Uh huh.
And I’m in love with Ron’s sister, but I don’t know how she feels about me, and I don’t know what that would do to our friendship.
My word, these are tricky situations!
Tell me about it. I heard Ron cries when he poops.
That’s just a rumor, where did you hear it?
I forget, I think some guy screamed it while he was boning Hermione in my car last night. We’re getting off topic here, the point is Harry’s sad about some bullshit or whatever.
I know what we need, we need something to take our minds off our girl troubles, and Ron’s unfortunate toilet situation.
It’s not-
Like a baby, Dr. Wizard, a giant, pooping baby, it’s awful.
Ron! What’s wrong?
[Coughing.]
This… wine is… poison.
No!
Poison?
Yes!
Deadly?
[A crushed gasp.]
Yes.
Moving it slow?
[The life draining.]
Yeah… I guess.
Lookin’ for a mellow fellow like DeVoe?
[Turning blue.]
…what?
Not now, DOB. Don’t worry, we’ll save you, Ron. We’ve got to do something, quick!
I’ll call the authorities.
Let’s cure it ’cause we’re runnin’ outta time!
Yeah, we got it, DOB. It’ll be alright, Ron, we’ll get through this.
If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it!
Oh, I know!
How do you know?
Me and the crew used to do her! Bam!
Oh, Goddammit, shut up, we need to save Ron.
Eh.
Who could have done this?
The one whose name we dare not speak, I’m sure he was behind it.
I may have an idea.
Or it could’ve been Draco! He’s always had it out for Ron.
Oh, fucking Draco, that’s right, it was probably him, too.
Was it a big butt, Ron? A smile? Did you trust them? Because, really-
He hasn’t much time left!
Hang in there, buddy.
-you should never trust a big butt and a-
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
P-P-P-P-Poison!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
280 songs on my PSP
Out of extreme boredom, thoughts, and request, I listed these out. I'm proud to have a large taste in music...