Dob's Brief Time As A Student in Hogwarts

DAY 1

[RON, HERMIONE, HARRY and Hogwarts' newest student, DOB, are seated at that big cafeteria or whatever, discussing this and that. DOB tells a story, smirking like an asshole.]

DOB
And then I says, “More like SHITerin!” Get it?

RON
Yes.

DOB
Because I took a shit in the sorting hat.

RON
I said yes.

DOB
And I said kiss dick, guy, I was talking to Hermione.

HERMIONE
It was a lovely joke.

DOB
Bam. Two points, Ron, count it.
[RON slumps in his chair.]

HARRY
I have a bad feeling about this year, guys. Something deep in the pit of my stomach.

HERMIONE
I know what you mean.

DOB
Yeah, totally. Say, by the way, Hermione, when you turnin’ 15, girl? That happening soon, or what?

RON
Fifteen is still illegal in this state. In all states, everywhere.

DOB
This fuckin- What is your problem, guy? Was someone talking to you? Christ, go eat that chocolate that turns people into rats or whatever.

HARRY
[Quietly]
That’s not this movie.

RON
You’re thinking of Witches.

DOB
Actually I’m thinking of eat shit, Beasley, what is your deal?

DAY 4

[HARRY is in his dorm room getting ready for the OBLIGATORY GAME OF POINTLESS QUIDDITCH. DOB is quietly planting HARD WIZARD DRUGS in RON'S DRESSER.]

HARRY
Alright, DOB, I’m about to head out to the big game. Are you sure you don’t want to play?

DOB
Nah. I’ma try to call Hermione so we can set up our own game of Quidditch, if you catch my boner.

HARRY
Right. See you later, then.

DOB
Yeah, man, go- Jesus. Is that how you’re going to dress?

HARRY
I… this is traditional wizard garb, for Quidditch, I thought-

DOB
Yeesh. Boo. It looks like a shitty community theater is staging a musical version of my nightmares and you’re auditioning for the female lead.

HARRY
I’m not sure I-

DOB
You look like the worst kind of lesbian.

HARRY
Got it.

DAY 9

[DUMBLEDORE, an old fellow with a long beard who constantly dresses in robes, has gathered a few of the students in his PRIVATE QUARTERS to tell them some SECRETS, which is probably a good idea in a movie/book that is aimed at LITTLE CHILDREN.]

HERMIONE
Dumbledore, it’s not fair.

DOB
Oh, hell yeah, you tell him, ‘Mione.

HARRY
It really is unfortunate, Dumbledore, is there nothing we can do?

HERMIONE
This is ruining all of my plans!

DUMBLEDORE
I’m sorry, but there’s not much I can do. We’re short staffed, so I’m afraid I can’t offer Potions as a course this year.

DOB
Is that what we’re all pissed about? This is the stupidest wizard camp ever.

HERMIONE
I’m certain that class would earn me high enough marks to make it to the top of the school.

DUMBLEDORE
It’s out of my hands! I’m afraid with our high level of mysterious murders, fewer and fewer teachers want to work here.

DOB
Yeah, that’ll do it.

HARRY
Could Snape double up on a class?

RON
Or couldn’t we cut one of the other courses?

HERMIONE
It’s because Professor Slughorn left. He could have taught this class. He was supposed to, wasn’t he?

DOB
Who’s Slughorn?

HARRY
We need Slughorn. We need to get him back.

DOB
Hey, guys, who’s Slughorn?

RON
Good luck with that. He’s gone off to live with the Muggles, he’s in hiding.

HARRY
But we can find him… With Dumbledore’s help!

DOB
Alright fuck you guys.

DUMBLEDORE
It can be done. I can track him down… Do you think you children could convince him to come back?

HARRY
I’m positive!

DOB
What an awesome plot for a movie about wizards.

DAY 14

[Our heroes are stuck on an island, surrounded by a bunch of little PALE GOBLINS OR SOMETHING.]

RON
This looks dangerous! What’ll we do, Harry?

HARRY
Our magic is blocked here, for some reason, we can’t disapparate, there’s some kind of enchantment. We’re running out of options.

DOB
[Slowly waking from an ALCOHOL-INDUCED COMA]
Oh, man, that was a- Oh, for fuck’s sake are you kidding me? What have you morons gotten us into?

HARRY
Thank goodness you’re awake, we’ve got to-

DOB
Yeah, listen, shut up for like 10 seconds, here, it’s a little early for your shit, know what I mean?

HARRY
I apologize.

RON
It’s seven o’clock at night…

DOB
More like… stupid o‘cock at… at all over your face, and there’s… Oh go fuck yourself, Ron, no one’s talking to you.

[HARRY nods in agreement.]

DOB
Alright, I’ll get us out of this. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, let’s think about this. Fuck. We can’t use magic, Hermione’s probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore’s wand for a reason I can’t immediately remember. We’ve got an army of Gollum’s happening right now, I say our only option is feeding them Ron’s gay face and converting the rest of Ron into a boat that we can paddle to shore. Or maybe we’ll just turn him into, like, a puppet or something, whichever’s funnier. That guy’s the worst.

HARRY
We can’t! And those aren’t Gollums, you’re confusing franchises again.

DOB
What? Bullshit those aren’t Gollums. (Addressing the Gollums): Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?

HARRY
I’m telling you, that’s not-

SMEAGOL
I would like the precious…

DOB
Boom! Three pointer. Ron, give those little bastards the precious.

RON
What would that even-

[DOB swiftly pushes RON into the little GOLLUMS, who immediately start clawing at his stupid flesh.]

DOB
Swish! I’m the best.

DAY 17

[HARRY, RON, DOB and some of the other RANDOM INTERCHANGEABLE STUDENTS are discussing women problems.]

RON
It’s so difficult. I know Hermione fancies me, but I just started dating Lavendar, and it would be unfair of her if I abandoned our relationship. But HERMIONE and I are such good friends.

DOB
Uh huh.

HARRY
And I’m in love with Ron’s sister, but I don’t know how she feels about me, and I don’t know what that would do to our friendship.

SOME OTHER KID
My word, these are tricky situations!

DOB
Tell me about it. I heard Ron cries when he poops.

RON
That’s just a rumor, where did you hear it?

DOB
I forget, I think some guy screamed it while he was boning Hermione in my car last night. We’re getting off topic here, the point is Harry’s sad about some bullshit or whatever.

DUMBLEDORE
I know what we need, we need something to take our minds off our girl troubles, and Ron’s unfortunate toilet situation.

RON
It’s not-

DOB
Like a baby, Dr. Wizard, a giant, pooping baby, it’s awful.

DAY 20

[RON, HARRY and DOB are visiting their CREEPY, ELDERLY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN who hands them UNMARKED GLASSES FULL OF SOME LIQUID, and the children all take the drinks, because Hogwarts teaches BULLSHIT DRAGON MAGIC and INVISIBLE BROOM-HUMPING instead of D.A.R.E and COMMON SENSE. RON takes a sip and almost immediately starts stumbling and clutching his throat. He falls to the floor.]

HARRY
Ron! What’s wrong?

RON
[Coughing.]
This… wine is… poison.

HARRY
No!

DOB
Poison?

RON
Yes!

DOB
Deadly?

RON
[A crushed gasp.]
Yes.

DOB
Moving it slow?

RON
[The life draining.]
Yeah… I guess.

DOB
Lookin’ for a mellow fellow like DeVoe?

RON
[Turning blue.]
…what?

HARRY
Not now, DOB. Don’t worry, we’ll save you, Ron. We’ve got to do something, quick!

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
I’ll call the authorities.

DOB
Let’s cure it ’cause we’re runnin’ outta time!

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Yeah, we got it, DOB. It’ll be alright, Ron, we’ll get through this.

HARRY
If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it!

DOB
Oh, I know!

HARRY
How do you know?

DOB
Me and the crew used to do her! Bam!

HARRY
Oh, Goddammit, shut up, we need to save Ron.

DOB
Eh.

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Who could have done this?

HARRY
The one whose name we dare not speak, I’m sure he was behind it.

DOB
I may have an idea.

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Or it could’ve been Draco! He’s always had it out for Ron.

HARRY
Oh, fucking Draco, that’s right, it was probably him, too.

DOB
Was it a big butt, Ron? A smile? Did you trust them? Because, really-

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
He hasn’t much time left!

HARRY
Hang in there, buddy.

DOB
-you should never trust a big butt and a-

HARRY AND SLUGHORN
SHUT THE FUCK UP!

DOB
P-P-P-P-Poison!